Today I’d like to share a psychological material that I believe is still very useful for modern women. I am saying “still” because usually I am not a fan of psychology. Not because I am against it or think for some reasons it is bad, but only because I choose not to attach myself to any knowledge system, religion or teaching in general. It is about how our femininity breaks.
Something that I recently learned made me think about what is happening with women now, across the world. And I feel like this information might give you some answers to questions like: who is a real woman? Why does she have to be that or this? Why the standards are different everywhere? Who should I be?
Where does it start?
As in most cases, the reason why something breaks in us (and in this case it is femininity) is our childhood and its events. To be more precise, our femininity is being nourished or not nourished from the moment we come to this world in a female body. Something happens to us that affects us later in life, that shapes us into who we become. Unfortunately, many beautiful and successful women are often all alone. There are many single mothers, or successful business ladies, or very educated intelligent women who seem to be unhappy no matter the success of their life. Why is that?
Let’s look at the childhood. It is as simple as making sure that if it is a girl, she is being brought up as a GIRL, not a boy, not a person – a girl. Gender differences should be present, not to the extreme, but they should be there. For a woman to become unhappy in life no matter what she does, there should be something that breaks her feminine essence and traumatizes her, as a young woman. Why does this happen and what really happens?
It all starts with family. If there was a mother who was also traumatized previously, her daughter will copy her. She will copy her behavior during her natural process of growing and adopting models of behaviors of people around her. Other sad reasons can be as simple as an actual physical, psychological and emotional abuse. Humiliation and violence of any sort.
The second piece of this process comes from the society. As soon as the girl finds herself outside of any societal structure or institute (from kindergarten to college), in most cases she will adopt the way it works too. It is something that is unfortunately widely popular until now, which is a masculine way of education. The earlier a girl gets inside this system, the more severe it may damage her. Because all the major educational systems in the world are built on one principle – to compete and to achieve great results. That is in no way suitable for a woman’s nature. Naturally, a girl wants to be accepted by her peers. So she will indeed follow this system and will work on building up her character in a masculine way.
That alone already creates barriers and obstacles in future for a woman to be able to find happiness. It creates a barrier to be content with her partner, to be happily married or stay with the same partner. Because her main values change. Now, this young woman is dreaming of having a successful business. She dreams of building a career as a priority, what is absolutely normal… for any man. Consequently, often times such women have men who have the tendency to be softer, quieter, more feminine, more dependent. The balance is always present.
Let’s look at the qualities that we traditionally give to men and to women.
Which qualities do usually belong to men?
It is an ability to give, to gift, to control, to take care, to protect, to provide, to compete, to serve; it is about achieving, a sense of purpose, a desire to fight and win, bravery, being active, an ability to overcome obstacles, an ability to transform the outside world, spirit.
Which qualities do usually belong to women?
It is acceptance, admittance, space opening, relaxation, trust, patience, an ability to wait, ability to enjoy, ability to attract, magnetism, physical rest, inner knowledge, intuition, ability to accumulate, access to world’s mysteries, soul.
This is a quick guide for you to see which qualities you have more. Two of them, giving and receiving, are more universal, and they both fully manifest itself in both men and women when they become parents.
Three Types of Femininity
Now, knowing all that, we can create an image of a woman with three different types of femininity: home, wild and traumatized.
1. Home femininity.
This type of femininity has such qualities as: tenderness, softness, ability to accept, delicacy, kindness, ability to stay humble, ability to serve others, patience, ability to give way, flexibility, politeness. Those are the qualities that are most valued throughout the life by people in general but especially by men. And they are a necessity if a woman wants to have a happy and long lasting marriage. These qualities are for woman’s partner and her family.
2. Wild femininity.
Wild femininity is about the following things: authenticity, self-love, ability to say “no”, sincerity, openness, understanding of your own needs, personal space, healthy anger, ability to speak out about your own desires and standards, self-respect, inner power, trust to God/Universe/Source. These qualities are very important for a woman herself. They allow her to exist in this world comfortably. And they help her inform everyone around her about rights and needs.
3. Traumatized femininity.
If the femininity was traumatized in the family or society, like mentioned earlier, here are the qualities that will be present: anxiety, hysteria, desire to control everything, apathy, doubtfulness, excess availability for physical intimacy, desire to earn love no matter what, feeling of defenselessness, inability to accept, feeling of being lost, giving more than receiving, desire to do everything by yourself, fear of the future.
Unfortunately, if you have three or more of these qualities, the best idea would be to find a counselor and work on them together. These qualities are not useful for anyone – neither the woman herself nor the people around her. In fact, they are rather destructive for a woman and can bring many troubles in her personal life and her family.
Stay healthy, my darling ones.